30/01/15 Am I the only one that gets Extremely Irrationally Agitated?

I am not sure whether this is part of depression or mania.  Perhaps I am actually in a mixed state, I am not sure but I will have to raise it when I see my psychiatrist next week.  I am experiencing episodes of extremely irrational agitation.  In fact I am experiencing one right now.  As a coping mechanism, I am writing this blog post, hoping to distract my mind from the feelings and thoughts I am having.

I am feeling like I have just been in a huge confrontation with someone.  My body feels like electricity, riled up and ready to fight.  I am having trouble just remaining still because my muscles are so tense.  I have a headache, the type that stops you from thinking straight, keeping a train of thought.  I have to keep reading and rereading and editing every sentence just to get one that flows and (hopefully) makes sense.  I know I am still depressed because although I feel like beating the crap out of something, I actually couldn’t be bothered to – a contradiction in my mood which is confusing to say the least.

My thoughts are scattered, jumping from one thing to another and then being distracted by the next thing that happens to agitate me further.  The kid down the street that won’t stop ringing the bell on his push bike, the flies that won’t leave me alone, my own stupidity when I try to do something and I make a mistake, however insignificant it is.   Even as I feel the rage, I know it’s not rational.  I know it is out of proportion and yet it intensifies inside me.

Last time this happened I ended up having a very intense panic attack followed by a deep sorrow that manifested itself in inconsolable crying for over an hour.  I want to avoid that happening again and yet I am unsure what to do.  Do you take valium for agitation?  I can’t meditate because I get frustrated by every tiny thing, the sheets not being flat, the stupid thoughts that keep intruding, the noises in the house.  Similarly I can’t ‘relax’ in a warm bath because various things annoy me tremendously.  Basically all the things I would usually do to avoid a panic attack don’t seem to work to reduce my agitation.

Am I the only one that experiences extremely irrational agitation?  If you have, what do you do?

Right now I am grateful for my dog who is just sitting with me being supportive but not annoying, her name is Karma, she’s a staffy and I love her.

3 thoughts on “30/01/15 Am I the only one that gets Extremely Irrationally Agitated?

  1. Gillian Wrigley February 2, 2015 / 1:33 am

    What you have just described here, is exactly what I go through when experiencing extreme agitation. The inability to concentrate is incredibly frustrating, further fueling my agitated state. It’s like all of my senses are heightened 10 fold, all at once, so I see microscopic dirt that must be scrubbed off immediately, but then I’m distracted by something else that needs wiping, straightening, reorganising into precise lines and never get any one task completed. I hear repetitive beeping from a truck 3 blocks away, the birds that clutter my head with piercing noise, the blind in another room moving in the wind, a fly somewhere inside, the same annoying chorus of a song I heard on the radio two days ago & it’s still rotating 48hrs later, the cheesy catchphrase from an ad on tv may keep popping up too. All these noises are so loud to me, but others don’t really hear it at all… And I’ve lost nearly 75% of my hearing in one ear! I get hot, clammy, sweaty then I’m covered in goosebumps feel a chill. Dry mouth, eyes darting around checking everything, fidgeting, pacing, I can’t read, can’t watch anything, can’t relax because all of this is screaming inside my head. Many years ago, I chose extremely dangerous & harmful methods of regaining control so no one could see me like this. I’d tried so many suggested activities, tasks, destraction techniques & nothing helped, only worsened my state of mind. My brain was racing too fast to journal anything but during a lengthy hospital stay, I met an old bloke who asked me if I might know an answer to his remaining crossword clues. Within minutes, I was hooked. My brain is great at spitting out random words rapidly! This is now my go to distraction when I go through any major agitation or restlessness. I now find that if I do them long enough, my brain slows down & empties out the random stuff that kept my awake all night. Sure, it’s not my only method & what I do depends on the severity of my mood &/or panic, but it’s the least harmful technique that I’ve found helpful!

    • emilyjtelfer February 2, 2015 / 4:13 pm

      Hi Gillian,

      I am so glad to know I am not the only one that experiences this. Your description of your experience is beautifully written, you should consider writing your own blog! Or perhaps you could be a guest writer on mine? The crossword idea is intriguing, I am going to try it, or something similar next time I’m experiencing the sensory overload, thank you for sharing.

      Kind regards,
      Emily Jane

      • Gillian Wrigley February 18, 2015 / 2:29 pm

        Thank you for your lovely words, but I don’t know that I could manage to write my own blog! Many friends have tried to encourage me to write about several different facets of my life, including that of living with Bipolar1 & it’s associated disorders, but I just don’t think I have anything interesting to tell. Plus, I’m not confident about sharing my mental health issues publicly, thanks to some harsh critics within my family, who apparently are qualified to diagnose my health problems despite having never studied or trained within the medical field EVER! Lol.
        I’m always happy to contribute my own experience via comments privately though. I hope you’re recovering well from your recent ECT. Cheers 😊

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