21 Jan 2015 : I’m in a Vacuum

Today I am struggling with a total lack of care factor.  I am going through the motions and doing the bare minimum and I don’t care about any of it.  There is a list a mile long of things I could have or should have done today and instead of being extremely anxious about these things like I am usually am, instead I am free of guilt and completely unworried, which is awful.

I think my anxiety is down because my husband has now finished his two week night shift and is now home with me for the next two weeks.  But I don’t understand why I go from being highly anxious to completely flat and uncaring overnight.   It’s no better, I am not going to succeed in improving my mental health if I have no care factor about my illness.  It leads to skipping meals or binge eating, excessive use of medication, decreased personal hygiene and a general lack of activity – e.g. house work or exercise among other things.  These are all key indicators that my mental health is in jeopardy and I need to be showing signs of improvement if I want to avoid further electro-convulsive therapy.

How do you give yourself incentive to improve your behaviours in the interests of getting well when you can’t even bring yourself to brush your teeth?  I have a total lack of energy which makes it impossible to do anything, I am stuck in a vacuum which I couldn’t get out of even if I wanted to.  I am struggling to even emit emotions that are socially appropriate – smiling when it’s appropriate for example.  I just feel hollow, I could really use a friend right now and yet I don’t know what they could say or do to make me feel better.

2 thoughts on “21 Jan 2015 : I’m in a Vacuum

  1. Gill February 4, 2015 / 9:03 pm

    Do you, during these times feel excited about any future event or something to engage ur mind with? The swirling down hill thing almost seems like it has a life of its own. Your right it has to be seen as not the essential you because the rational part of the mind knows you are loved by family , partner etc. it’s really hard knowing you are fighting for ur family who need you, but don’t feel guilty because it’s you who needs you. I don’t know what to suggest but to force jogging may get other chemicals going, different foods ? Tactile things like professional massages helps sometimes, . I’ve watched people have shock treatment and it seems horrible to me but after they begin to improve. There is a limit to how much u can have I think?

    • emilyjtelfer February 5, 2015 / 2:59 pm

      Hi Gill, Thanks for writing me. Your ideas are spot on, I try to plan something to look forward to and to engage with other people wherever possible, although I find it incredibly uncomfortable. Knowing that I’m fighting the battle for my family’s sake, not just my own, helps too. I sometimes manage a walk but when I’m that down a jog is out of the question and I lose my appetite completely, which is really bad, force feeding is the only way but it makes me feel sick. Shock treatment has saved my life a number of times so I definitely have faith in it, few more weeks to go and hopefully I’ll be back in the land of the living. Not sure what the limits are for ECT, I’ve never reached them, will let you know if I find out.

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