21 Jan 2015 : I’m in a Vacuum

Today I am struggling with a total lack of care factor.  I am going through the motions and doing the bare minimum and I don’t care about any of it.  There is a list a mile long of things I could have or should have done today and instead of being extremely anxious about these things like I am usually am, instead I am free of guilt and completely unworried, which is awful.

I think my anxiety is down because my husband has now finished his two week night shift and is now home with me for the next two weeks.  But I don’t understand why I go from being highly anxious to completely flat and uncaring overnight.   It’s no better, I am not going to succeed in improving my mental health if I have no care factor about my illness.  It leads to skipping meals or binge eating, excessive use of medication, decreased personal hygiene and a general lack of activity – e.g. house work or exercise among other things.  These are all key indicators that my mental health is in jeopardy and I need to be showing signs of improvement if I want to avoid further electro-convulsive therapy.

How do you give yourself incentive to improve your behaviours in the interests of getting well when you can’t even bring yourself to brush your teeth?  I have a total lack of energy which makes it impossible to do anything, I am stuck in a vacuum which I couldn’t get out of even if I wanted to.  I am struggling to even emit emotions that are socially appropriate – smiling when it’s appropriate for example.  I just feel hollow, I could really use a friend right now and yet I don’t know what they could say or do to make me feel better.