I am not sure whether this is part of depression or mania. Perhaps I am actually in a mixed state, I am not sure but I will have to raise it when I see my psychiatrist next week. I am experiencing episodes of extremely irrational agitation. In fact I am experiencing one right now. As a coping mechanism, I am writing this blog post, hoping to distract my mind from the feelings and thoughts I am having.
I am feeling like I have just been in a huge confrontation with someone. My body feels like electricity, riled up and ready to fight. I am having trouble just remaining still because my muscles are so tense. I have a headache, the type that stops you from thinking straight, keeping a train of thought. I have to keep reading and rereading and editing every sentence just to get one that flows and (hopefully) makes sense. I know I am still depressed because although I feel like beating the crap out of something, I actually couldn’t be bothered to – a contradiction in my mood which is confusing to say the least.
My thoughts are scattered, jumping from one thing to another and then being distracted by the next thing that happens to agitate me further. The kid down the street that won’t stop ringing the bell on his push bike, the flies that won’t leave me alone, my own stupidity when I try to do something and I make a mistake, however insignificant it is. Even as I feel the rage, I know it’s not rational. I know it is out of proportion and yet it intensifies inside me.
Last time this happened I ended up having a very intense panic attack followed by a deep sorrow that manifested itself in inconsolable crying for over an hour. I want to avoid that happening again and yet I am unsure what to do. Do you take valium for agitation? I can’t meditate because I get frustrated by every tiny thing, the sheets not being flat, the stupid thoughts that keep intruding, the noises in the house. Similarly I can’t ‘relax’ in a warm bath because various things annoy me tremendously. Basically all the things I would usually do to avoid a panic attack don’t seem to work to reduce my agitation.
Am I the only one that experiences extremely irrational agitation? If you have, what do you do?
Right now I am grateful for my dog who is just sitting with me being supportive but not annoying, her name is Karma, she’s a staffy and I love her.